Four Bad Characters Walk Into a Bar
by Certain POV
Summary: Lumiya, Darth Caedus, Abeloth, and Waru all walk into a bar, and bickering between them (at least between everyone but Waru) as villains ensues.


On Tatooine, in a cantina that was even harder to come by than the one in Mos Eisley, the Dark Lady of the Sith Lumiya waited as patiently as she could, drumming her fingers on the rotting wooden tabletop that she sat in front of. For the third time in the past half hour, she checked her wrist chrono and found that, yes, all three of her charges were officially late by those thirty minutes.

The male Rodian bartender behind the counter seemed to be washing his counter more out of rote than not, and Lumiya could sense through the Force that most of his attention was on her; there were no other patrons in the bar, as it had been for the past two hours, because Lumiya had paid the bartender off quite handsomely for that to be the case. In return, he had agreed to close the cantina several hours early for the night; but now, even in spite of the credits he received, the bartender's patience was wearing as thin as Lumiya's, especially since she hadn't bought even a shot of any booze for herself.

Of course, Lumiya could also sense a tinge of fear accompanying his impatience; she could tell that for what he lacked in Force-senses, he made up for in instinct, and he wisely considered her as someone who was dangerous, even if Lumiya's reputation - which there was a deliberate lack of - didn't outright state that fact.

She was just then starting to consider leaving - and even going so far as to apologize to the bartender for lost revenue that the credits she gave him probably wouldn't have covered anyway - when Lumiya sensed all three of her charges' Force-presences suddenly appear outside the cantina. She turned her head to the bar's exit, and less than a second later, the metal door, instead of sliding open, blew inward and toppled to the ground several feet away.

And standing at the threshold was Sith Lord Darth Caedus, dressed in matching black trousers, tunic, boots, and cloak.

"Oh, why do _you_ get to go ahead of me, you puny mortal?" the grey-tentacled being known as Abeloth shrilled as one of her slithery appendages shoved Caedus out of the way and back out the door, where he stumbled to the sandy ground. " _I_ am the Queen of the Stars! All should be following _me_!"

"We would be following you," the monotone gold-scaled entity known as Waru said behind Abeloth, "if you had not been responsible for us being late by so long."

Abeloth gasped in shock as she turned to Waru. "How _dare_ you?! Need I remind you of who I am, Waru?"

"Is it either Queen of the Stars," Caedus retorted as he picked himself back up, "or someone who needed a ride from this guy?" He gestured a thumb at Waru, who had teleported the three of them here. "When you don't make us late, maybe then you can have the dramatic entrance; and besides, you can teleport, too! We could have just met up here without you holding Waru and me back!"

As Abeloth, Caedus, and Waru were quibbling, Lumiya looked back to the bartender, who looked both angry and scared; angry that someone would destroy his property, scared because he damn well knew who Darth Caedus was and didn't want to fuck with him, let alone the two entities accompanying the Sith Lord.

Abeloth sneered. "I, unfortunately, cannot teleport as far as Waru; but even so, I am still more powerful than you can possibly imagine, for you are nothing to me, you puny mortal! I am made for _better_ things than this, because while your ancient ancestors were still learning how to _spell their names_ , _I_ was being trained to conquer galaxies!"

"Trained to conquer galaxies?" Lumiya inquired as she reached the party, standing at the threshold of the cantina. "You spent thousands of years on a jungle planet in the Maw twiddling your tentacles; you weren't being trained for shit by anyone."

"Oh, let us not get bogged down by the technical details, my dear," Abeloth said as she turned back to Lumiya, who allowed the three of them in (with Abeloth, of course, being the first to enter, followed by Waru and Caedus respectively). "I consider honing my skills to perfection for a hundred millennia to be self-training," she continued as Lumiya led them to their table.

"And in all that time, all it took for the Jedi to defeat you was just for two people each to destroy all of your avatars, huh?" Caedus remarked as the four of them all took their seats (although Waru's seat was merely him standing between Caedus and Abeloth, as he didn't need to actually sit).

"Oh, what do you know about power, you pathetic insect?" Abeloth countered. "You couldn't even hold the galaxy for two years! At least Palpatine was able to hang on to his own power for a little over twenty, which, for a human in this galaxy, is considerable, especially with the Rebellion he faced."

"Yeah, and how long was your hold on the galaxy before Luke Skywalker stopped you?" Caedus returned. "Less than a few months, at best? How impressive for an ancient being," he finished sarcastically.

"Don't make me shove this tentacle up your ass, you emo-haircut motherfucker," Abeloth said as she raised one of her aforementioned appendages to view.

"You're makin' fun of _my_ looks?" Caedus retorted. "At least I can get laid without having to try to turn anyone into me. You're the one who held us up for half an hour because you couldn't decide which one of my uncle's former girlfriends you wanted to turn into! If you had at least settled with one, the hold-up wouldn't have been a complete waste of time, so as it stands, you still look like shit!"

"As if your looks will last, mortal!" Abeloth intoned. "As if I would want to have intercourse with all the Hapan teenage girls who finger-bang themselves at the thought of them copulating with you while listening to whatever angsty song Simple Plan concocted back in the 2000s! And at least I could fight Luke Skywalker in single combat, something you could never do without getting your hindquarters severely beaten on the metaphorical level!"

"Why can't you just say without getting my ass kicked?" Caedus muttered.

"I am above your colloquial language, for I am a decorous ancient being!" Abeloth replied.

"Decorous enough to say finger-bang?"

Abeloth stared deadpan at Caedus. "Shut up; at least I won't get scared if I see this." She then transformed herself into the appearance of Luke Skywalker.

Caedus then screamed like a little girl and then launched himself up, only to collide his head against the cantina's ceiling before falling back down to his seat in a daze. As his head cleared up and his vision came back into focus, Abeloth giggled as she resumed her true form.

"Enough of this!" Lumiya shrieked. "This is supposed to be a gathering of EU villains, where we may be able to stop the Jedi once and for all!"

"What an impressive gathering if it's just the four of us here," the apathetic Waru piped in.

"Yeah, where the fuck is everyone else?" Caedus asked. "Where's Thrawn? Where's Vitiate? Cad Bane? Asajj Ventress? Hell, what about any of the Yuuzhan Vong? Onimi and I just about made up when I agreed to bury the hatchet by playacting _The Hunchback of Notre Dame_ with him, where I was Quasimodo and he was Esmeralda."

"Wait, _you_ were Quasimodo?" Lumiya asked.

"He's kinda sensitive about his appearance; he's kinda like Melissa McCarthy or Rebel Wilson if they were less willing to make fun of themselves for how they looked," Caedus elaborated.

Lumiya shrugged. "Well, last I heard, I think Onimi is on Broadway doing a stage musical for _Shrek_ , and he's Lord Farquaad; I hear he's doing very well, but he's probably using his mind-control powers to make everyone in the audience think he's good. As for the others you mentioned, Thrawn's on his honeymoon with Pellaeon, Ventress is, well, dead now because of a romance she got into with a Jedi, Bane decided to go to the DC Universe to see if he could fight Batman, and Vitiate became a nihilist who's harassing welfare recipients across this galaxy for millions of credits just for kicks."

"Out of curiosity, what would happen if any of those recipients gave him that kind of money?" Caedus asked.

"He'd burn it and then feed that recipient to dogs," Lumiya said, "which is probably a worse fate than if they failed to come up with the cash; he probably would have spade or neutered them then."

"So, if they failed, he'd go _Big Lebowski_ nihilist on them, and if they succeeded, he'd go _Dark Knight_ Joker on them?" Caedus inquired.

Lumiya snapped. "That's right."

Abeloth then groaned. "I grow so _bored_ of all this. Can we just get onto business?" At the same time as she said these two sentences, Waru shifted in his position and, while he technically lacked eyes, managed to lock gazes with the bartender. In seconds, the bartender became entranced and began walking toward him like a zombie.

"Yes, yes, of course," Lumiya said. "So let's begin it as such: Does anyone here have any ideas as to how we can stop the Jedi after we and our predecessors have been defeated countless times before?"

"Wait, you're asking _us_?" Caedus replied as the bartender reached Waru's side. "We came here thinking you were the one with the plan!"

"Hey, I thought you were gonna be the one to do it, all right?" Lumiya responded. "I exhausted all my Machiavellian scheming with you, and you couldn't even take down the Jedi properly."

"Oh, yeah, as if it was my plan," Caedus said. "You know, if you had trained me better so I could become more powerful than Luke Skywalker, then maybe I could have ruled the galaxy just as you wished."

Lumiya looked furious, but before she could respond, everyone's attention was finally turned to Waru, who enveloped himself around the Rodian bartender; seconds later, after what sounded like a satisfied wild animal noise accompanied by some slurping, Waru resumed his ordinary blob shape.

"You know, if you were going to do that, you would have saved me a lot of money, Waru," Lumiya said. "But at least we have free booze now." She then used the Force to levitate some bottles of various alcohols over to their table.

Abeloth looked confused. "But we still haven't come up with a plan to bring about the downfall of Luke Skywalker and his Jedi Order," she pointed out evenly (uncharacteristically).

"At this point, I've given up," Lumiya said as she uncorked one of the bottles and began drinking it straight up.

"Wait, just like that?" Caedus asked.

When she was done with her first gulp, Lumiya coughed a few times and then said with a nod, "Oh, yeah; I was pretty much on my last legs with a plan, which was basically to ask any of you. But since you were all looking to _me_ , you made me realize just how truly screwed we are, especially when you're right, Caedus, about it being my plan to rely on you; I should've picked someone who was a lot stronger. Maybe I could've gone for your mom instead, or hell, even your own uncle; he's still human, he could have still been susceptible to the dark side of the Force, only without any of the stupidity that you brought to the table." She took another swig of her selected booze.

In anger, Caedus reached out through the Force to yank Lumiya's bottle from her hand, and then shattered it over her head.

But instead of falling unconscious, Lumiya stared angrily at Caedus, who returned her glare with a wordless stare that basically said, "Bring it on, bitch."

"Waru?" Lumiya asked. "Can you eat this mental fifteen-year-old for me?"

"No problem," Waru said.

And without having to even capture Caedus's stare, the Sith Lord's expression dropped into seeming lifelessness. Then Waru enveloped himself around Caedus and swallowed him whole just as he did with the bartender.

"Wait, why didn't you do that before?" Abeloth asked. "You could've saved me a _lot_ of irritation."

"Do I look like I care?" Waru asked.

Abeloth's expression became more inquisitive. "Can you do the same to Lumiya then?"

"Now wait just a minute here-" Lumiya began.

But her expression and posture slumped, and then Waru stretched out over the table to devour Lumiya.

"Yes!" Abeloth said. "With your ability to eat people, Waru, you and I can rule this galaxy together!"

"Why do I have to do it with you?" Waru asked. "You may be a lot more powerful, but I can still do this."

And then Waru teleported the two of them out of the cantina, and the next place they found themselves was in an unknown solar system with a black hole in the distance.

Several of Waru's scales then parted around his being, and instead of pink blobby flesh beneath, there was a hole that didn't look too dissimilar from the light-devouring star in the distance. An expulsion of air powerful enough to blow Abeloth away ensued from Waru's self-created hole, and the tentacled entity began soundlessly flailing away to cross the event horizon of the black hole, where she would be destroyed in minutes.

Waru, meanwhile, teleported back to the bar, and through the same hole, he sucked in all of the bottles of alcohol.

Minutes after that, he began to dance in a drunken stupor before collapsing to the floor unconscious from his self-induced inebriation.


End file.
